Smokey the Bear - Nature's Rock Star

On Sunday I had the opportunity to be Smokey the Bear at the Minnesota State Fair. The first thing I had to do was get dressed. Smokey needs help getting dressed. It's not something someone can do by themselves. My assistant was Offspring #2 and she was a great mascot handler.  First Smokey puts on an incredibly large pair of jeans-possibly a 50 inch waist. Then I needed help getting my bear feet on. The hairy feet fit over my tennis shoes were secured with a velcro seam and a hook and eye. Next came the hairy chest. I extended my arms over my head and bent forward. The chest came down to my knees and had reinforcements inside to maintain the bear barrel chested contours. The chest velcroed up the back. Next the jeans were velcroed to the sides of the chest before we closed the button on the jeans, zipped up the fly, and secured the belt. The belt buckle says “Smokey.” The bear chest was tucked neatly into the jeans. I found my fingers inside the bear paws. So far so good. At this point I walked the stairs of the DNR building and waited inside the exit door to don my bear head. The fur on the head hangs down around the neck and rested on my shoulders. The hat is attached to the head. Inside I was immediately hot under all that fur. My vision was severely restricted. I could see ahead except for the middle. I could see a little bit to the lower right and the lower left. I think I was looking out of Smokey's muzzle and mouth. We were ready to be Smokey. We were ready 15 minutes ahead of our shift but decided to go out anyway. My assistant led me by the bear paw to the yard outside the DNR building, in the shadow of the forest tower. People immediately approached us and asked to have their picture taken. One family approached and the kids looked up at me with awe. Their parents encouraged them, “Go say hi to Smokey.” I waved. The kids waved back. I opened my arms asking for a hug and the kids ran to me and embraced me. The hug felt so great that this became my modus operadi for the rest of my Smokey shift. Smokey is popular. Smokey is nature's rock star. At this moment, I am Smokey. I am popular. Everybody (except 1 year old kids) loves me. I am nature's rock star. The fame went to my head immediately. When my shift was over and I emerged from the DNR building again, no one turned to look at me. No one waved. No one wanted a hug or a photo. I felt so – so – so ordinary. It was a real let down. Inside Smokey's body, I was super hot. Sweat ran into my eyes as I posed for photos, gave high fives and fist bumps, and waved to my adoring audience. After 45 minutes of this I needed a break. My handler led me into the DNR building where out of sight I could remove my head, get a drink, and wipe the sweat off my face. She asked me a question and I nodded. I forgot that now, inside the building, I could talk. I got used to Smokey not talking and only nodding. Even nodding isn't easy for Smokey because I could turn my head left and right and Smokey's head wouldn't move. To say no, I had to turn my head and shoulders to make myself clear. I put my hand towel on top of my head before I put Smokey's head back on. A man was sitting alone at the picnic table by the door to the DNR building that we used. He looked to be in his 40's and was relaxing at the picnic table and not paying enough attention to Smokey in my estimation. So as I excited the building, Smokey tapped his left shoulder as I walked past his right shoulder. This caused him to look left, see no one, and then look right as Smokey walked away. He, he he. I, myself, would never have been this bold with a total stranger. As Smokey, I didn't hesitate to do it. Being anonymous inside a costume relaxes my inhibitions quite a bit. I even blew kisses to my crowds. For another half hour I greeted my fans and mixed with the public. Sometimes my handler would say, “High five on the right.” I couldn't see anyone on the right holding up their hand but she could. Those directions were extremely helpful because Smokey wouldn't ignore a high five if he saw it. Sometimes my handler would say “small boy approaching on the left.” That was helpful too because some of those children would run at me full speed, hug me, lift their feet off the ground and cling to me, nearly knocking me over. One time two kids jumped on me at the same time and I nearly did go over. Some kids hugged me so hard they squeezed the Smokey torso tight and they pressed the vest full of ice packs close to me. That ice packs felt really good. My handler told me it was noon and Smokey's job was complete. She led me to the door. I was ready to be done. I was drenched with sweat from the waist up. I took off the head, and clumsily walked up the 18 wooden steps to the loft above the fish tanks where Smokey changes his clothes. Normally there are 2 or 3 DNR workers in this area. But not today when I need to take off my Smokey clothes. Today there are 8 officers in full uniform lounging on the couches. Some were St. Paul police and some were State Fair police. Great. I have to undress in front of 8 cops. After the head, the next thing to come off is the pants. As my handler crouched to open my Smokey belt, undo my jeans button and pull down my fly I wondered if this could get any more awkward. My hands were still encased in bear arms so I could only stand there helpless as my giant jeans puddled around my ankles. She undid the back of my torso and I bent forward with arms extended so she could pull it off. Then I had to shuffle awkwardly, in front of all these cops, with my jeans around my feet to a chair so I could sit down and have my bear feet removed. The cops were asking, “Hey, was it hot in there?” My handler pulled off my feet and my tennis shoes came off with them. I put my shoes back on while she set my costume in front of the fans and sprayed them with Lysol. I removed my vest and took the 8 ice packs out of the pockets and laid them flat inside the freezer to refreeze. They were slightly cool by now but not at all frozen. We hung the vest up to dry and I tried to style my dripping wet hair with my fingers. I stepped in between the cops to grab my backpack, filled up my water jug, and we went outside. We had an hour to rest before she was Smokey and I was the handler. We sat at the picnic table by the door and I drank the entire contents of that water jug while she went to buy a most delicious crepe filled with Brie, cranberries and almonds. No crepe has ever tasted that good before. Soon we were back at it. This time I helped Smokey put on his pants, feet, ice pack vest, and torso. I made sure Smokey's obese torso was tucked neatly into his jeans because it we didn't get it right, Smokey looked like he had an abdominal hernia. I led Smokey down the stairs, put on his head, and spread his neck fur neatly over his shoulders. I led Smokey around the grounds and told him who was approaching. When we first exited the building, I forgot who I was and started waving at people. It took me a while to give up the nature rock star role and turn into a lowly handler. People asked me to take pictures with their cameras and phones. One lady handed me an Iphone. I asked her where the button was to push. I had never held an Iphone before. “Oh,”she says, “It's your typical Iphone.” Like that was helpful. The button to take the photo is an image on the screen. One girl (pierced, tattood and with gauged ear holes) ran up to Smokey enthusiastically and said, “Smokey! I have a question for you!” I told her Smokey can't talk. “That's too bad”, she said, “because I wanted to know if Smokey would hold me off the ground in his arms while we posed for a photo like he was rescuing me. I'll pay extra for it.” I told Smokey did not think that was safe and would not do it. This girl weighed more than the person inside the Smokey costume so I made an executive decision. Smokey told me I made a good choice once he/she was out of costume and could talk. The enthusiastic girl, although disappointed, posed for a photo with Smokey with both her feet on the ground. Another outdoorsy woman approached Smokey and said, “Hi. Remember me? Yosemite National Park? 1975?” Her eyebrows were raised suggestively. Just what was this woman implying here? Smokey was caught a little off guard. Smokey shook his head no and raised his hands implying no memory. She smiled, touched his chin, and said, “Well, I remember you.” Good lord, it makes you wonder. Smokey seemed to be enjoying his fame. He posed for more pictures. Many people said, “Smile Smokey.” or “Smokey you blinked.” It's a little funny the first time you hear it but not after that. After a half hour Smokey was ready for a break. As I led Smokey through the DNR building toward our changing area, more people approached for photos. I could hardly get Smokey away from his adoring public. Ten minutes later I took off Smokey's head and gave her a drink. Back out on the grounds again, I made sure Smokey stayed in the shade and we looked for cooler spots. A couple men approached asking to pose with Smokey. They handed me a camera. I thought the photo was with two men but two, then four, then eight men in total stood around Smokey. As I shot the photo I noticed most of them were wearing t shirts advocating “Vote no on the marriage amendment.” All these guys were bigger, hairy, and, I think, gay. I was taking a photo of Smokey and the bears! Awesome. I bet Smokey was on tons of Facebook pages later on this Sunday.  As I helped Smokey out of his bear suit, I noticed she didn't have 8 cops watching her get undressed.  To be Smokey and to be Smokey's handler was a intense pleasure. I am definitely signing up again next year. When our duties were done, we walked around the fair some more. My knees hurt, my hips ached and my back hurt the entire time except for when I was Smokey or Smokey's handler. When I was on duty, my arthritis didn't bother me at all.