E-Mail Excerpt I Got Today From the Center From Biological Diversity

In response to a UN report on the fatal toll of polluted water across the globe, this week the bottled-water industry published a study containing welcome news: Bottled water can reverse the water crisis and dramatically improve global welfare, but only if more third-world citizens will embrace the pure, refreshing mountain-spring water of Fiji/Dasani/Arrowhead/Aquafina.
According to the study, bottled-water drinkers are statistically far less likely to fall prey to such life-threatening illnesses as malaria, legionellosis, schistosomiasis, and guineaworm; suffer less from such psychological afflictions as post-traumatic stress disorder; have far lower infant-mortality rates; and are also more likely to own a house, cars, and/or swimming pool.
"This proves that bottled water is much better for you than dehydration," said water-industry spokesman Howard Williams. "Pardon my pun, but the data are crystal clear."

In a surprise move on the FOX News Morning Show, former Alaska governor and current 2012 pre-candidate Sarah Palin broke down and offered an apology for not only her crypto-redneck politics, but her entire media-crafted persona. "I'm actually not down-home at all," wept the former John McCain running mate, as she removed her designer eyewear and dabbed at smeared mascara with a square-cut manicured fingertip.
Palin explained to the shocked hosts that her publicly stated disbelief in evolution and global warming, hatred of wolves, "ignorance" of basic geopolitics, and folksy twang were crafted by the New York advertising agency Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe. The agency, whose board of directors includes Karl Rove®, carefully tested the persona on focus groups to ensure approval among her core constituents, Americans who are opposed to education, health, and the "environment."
In actual fact, Palin revealed, she holds an advanced degree in conservation biology from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where she wrote a dissertation on the theoretical implications of endogenously changing carrying capacity.
"I'm so glad to be free of that God-awful twang," said Palin. "And you know what? I just love polar bears. Love 'em to pieces."
In the wake of the revelation, the Discovery Channel announced it will not air its planned 2010 reality TV show Sarah Palin's Alaska.