Full Appreciation of a Gift

I got a gift from a parental unit that I really liked - a doormat like the one in the picture. It's nice on several levels. There is a hint of approval for my adventurous ways in the gift. It's funny because this parental unit always threatened us kids mightily if we parked in his/her spot. The other nice part of the gift remained undiscovered until today. I found this label on the back of the doormat as I was spreading it on the floor for the first time (and I am not making this up): This is a perfectly fine, if not certainly adequate door mat made from 100% Olefin Indoor/Outdoor carpet and printed with color-fast inks. Wash with hose and brush. Dry flat. Do not machine wash. Important things you should know about your new doormat Warning: Do not use mat as a aprojectile. Sudden acceleration to dangerous speeds may cause injury. When using mat, follow directions. Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about. This mat is not designed to sustain gross weight exceeding 12,000 lbs. If mat begins to smoke, immediately seek shelter and cover head. Caution: If coffee spills on mat, assume that is is very hot. This mat is not intended to be used as a placemat. Small food particles trapped in fibers may attract rodents and other vermin. Do not glue mat to porous surfaces, such as pregnant women, pets and heavy machinery. When not in use, mat should be kept out of reach of children diagnosed with CFED (Compulsive Fiber Eating Disorder). Do not taunt mat. Failure to comply relieves the makers of this doormat, Simply Precious Home Decor, and its parent company, High Cotton, Inc., of any and all liability. High Cotton, Inc. 401 Easy Street hardeeville, SC 29927 www.highcotton.com

At the bottom of the page is a photo of Earnest "Bud" Crowley, Chairman of the Board. He looks like he resembles Winston Churchill but it's hard to tell because his round, brimmed hat covers his hears and rests on the tip of his nose, completely covering his eyes.