Emotional Hangover

Last night was the fifth out of sixth classes I take with the  Anoka County Sheriff citizen academy.  Our classes are scheduled from 6:30-9:30.  Do we ever get out before 10 pm?  No, we do not get out before 10 pm.  Last night I left with an emotional hangover.  The topic on the syllabus was "use of force."  Also mentioned was "training scenarios."  We had a short discussion on "Use of force" where I had to ask, what, on the spectrum of use of force, are the other options?  I didn't know that just showing up with a uniform and marked car is a use of force. Words are a very valuable use of force.  Hands on guidance is a use of force as well as batons, painful holds, tasers,and deadly use of force.  I didn't know.  Our speaker is a use of force trainer for Anoka County. A serious, dedicated, awesome young man taught us about use of force.  We asked him numerous questions.  Some questions were not easy to answer and he was great.  Our class was held in a training room with wrestling mats on the floor and padded walls.  While he talked two of us were drawn out of the room to go to the simulation exercise.  I didn't notice at first that this was happening. So it wasn't until 70% of the class had already done it, I went to the simulation exercise with the very youngest memeber of our group. She is a Hamline University student thinking about law enforcement. She is great.  We went into the room not knowing what to expect.  I think that was the plan - for us to not know what to expect.  We entered the dark room and were handled holsters with guns. Excuse me?  I got to ask - "Is this a real gun?"  Yes, I am told like I should have known, this is a real gun.  I ask, "Is there bullets in this gun?"  A reasonable question, am I right? I am told there are no live ammunition in this room.  Good to know.  You could have told me instead of making me ask but good to know.  My partner is handed a rifle. She has never shot a rifle before.  She is shown how to use it.  I ask if the safety is on.  No, there is no  safety.  We are told to stand at this line and the first experience will be a hostage situation.  Frankly, I am more than a little annoyed that we aren't given more information before we get to this point.  It's dark. We are not given much explanation. I have men helping me attach the holster to my pants and I am not used to men handling the waist band of my pants.  I feel manipulated.  I don't like this. I ask, "Wait now.  How do I get this gun out of the holster?"  I am shown how to release the gun from the holster.'  I have to push a button to get the gun out.  Good to know!  You might have told me!  Two sheriffs are in the room.  One watches and one runs the computer.  The first scenario is a hostage situation.  We see a school setting. A couple kids are laying on the floor, dead.  One girl is kneeling with her back to a man holding a gun to her head. Gross!  I hate violence!  What the hell am I into here?  I say out loud, "Gross!"    My partner uses her rifle and shoots the man holding the gun to the blonde girls head.  I ask, "Did you do that?"  Our video plays on and wwwe go down the hallway to another room.  A man holding a gun shoots at us repeatedly.  I, a vegetarian, a peace loving person, a woman who gave up even fishing 20 years ago because I can relate to the fight the fish put on my line,  fire my fake gun at the shooter. He keeps shooting. The scenario ends.  We are told we were both shot and are dead.  WTH?  The next scenario starts.  I am handed a taser to hold along with my gun.  We are told this is a domestic violence scenario.  I, in my job, have dealt with violent and agitated people.  I say, "Wait now!"  This is going way too fast. I say, "We can't both be jabbering at this person.  Let's decide who talks and who doesn't talk!"  My young partner agrees to this plan. She asks if she should talk or I should talk.  I look at her big eyes with lots of mascara and say, "I'll take this one.  You take the next one."  She agrees. The scene opens.  We're at a hotel.  The door is slightly open.  A woman crouches on the floor next to the wall beyond the two hotel beds. She holds her hands over her head while a man, holding a baseball bat calls her names and threatens her.  It's my turn to talk.  "Sir," I say in an authoritative tone, "This is Anoka County Law Enforcement!  Drop the bat and come outside." He looks at me and asks, "What the F are you doing here?"  WTF? Did I sign up for this?  Did I willingly take on this challenge? "Drop the bat and come outside!"  I say like I know what I'm talking about.    He throws the bat at the victim.  The he draws his right hand back and throws a haymaker at, wait now, is that us? My partner asks, "Should I shoot him?"  While she asks that I press my taser. He falls back on the bed and says, "I'm sorry."  I respond, "Turn on your stomach!  Put your hands behind your back!"  The scenario is over but I am still into it.  I am told I did well.  My partner asks, "Should I have shot him?"  Is a punch a deadly use of force the instructors ask us?  Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't I am thinking but before we can process this the third scenario starts. I recognize the Anoka County Government Center court house entrance. I see the metal detector.  I see a white haired gentleman putting his keys and change into a dish to go through the x-ray machine. I am a bailiff I guess at the entrance to the building.  They could have told me. As the white haired man goes through the metal detector a young man squeezes in with him. I say, "Step back!"  The alarm goes off.  My mind,after traveling to Sicily, thinks "hip replacement. Pat the poor arthritic man down."  But no, the young man has a gun. After the alarm goes off he holds his gun to the head of the old man.  I point my fake gun at the young man but before I can speak and before I can squeeze the trigger, the old man is shot in the back of the head. My partner and I both shoot and the young man is killed.  We didn't die but we didn't save the life of the older man.  We are excused from the room.  As I leave I try to be positive so I say, "Suddenly grateful I have the job I have."  Is it any wonder that I have an emotional hangover after such an experience? I feel terrible.  I shot a gun at another human being!  But wait, I didn't actually shoot a real gun and the human being was an image of a human but not real.  These facts seem simple but it takes me a while to process this experience. Here I am, another Wednesday night, it's after my bed time and my eyes are wide open.  Typically I avoid violence.  I don't watch violent movies or television shows.  I avoid mystery books because they usually have more violence than other fiction.  I usually process by talking to other people but this was such a violent night I can hardly bear to say the words aloud.  I did not enjoy this evening.  This class is a challenge tonight.