Fairy Land

 I was outside last night enjoying the perfumed air and the smoky sunset. With the lilacs and crab apple trees and apple tree in bloom the smell is intoxicating. Pink and white flower petals blanket the grass. Some petals  fall  into the chicken water. A great crested fly catcher is calling back and forth.  A red squirrel scolds me from the oak  tree. A ruby throated  hummingbird flies by. Is it a hummingbird or a fairy? With all these pink and white blossoms scenting the air it must be a fairy because  this scene sure looks like fairyland to me.

Homegoing

Yaa Gyasi wrote a fascinating story named Homegoing. Although some parts were difficult to read I overall enjoyed this story. This historical fiction takes place in Ghana and in the United States. A woman named Maame has two daughters. Effia and Esa are unaware of each other but both have a black stone  necklace from their mother. Effia and Esa are both beautiful and end up in the same castle. One of the sisters lives upstairs with the English slave trader. The other sister lives in the dungeon below the castle as a slave and is shipped across the sea to the United States. The many descendants of Effia and Esa have some good times and some hard times. Brutality is a  fact of life on both continents. I learned quite a bit about the history of slavery and the introduction of cacao plants as a crop.

You Realize You Are Fishing In A Parking Lot

In-Yan-Teopa (you can see sunlight shining through the hole in the bottom center of the photo)

Camping at Frontenac was great fun. Coffee perked on top of a picnic table tastes better than any you can buy from a barista at a coffee shop. Two people in our camping party wanted to go fishing. So we went fishing. First we went fishing at the pier in Lake City. Another fishing party had caught a nice sized walleye so we stayed there for a couple hours. One fishing pole got horribly tangled. I worked on untangling the fishing line for 20 minutes before I gave up. Then we had one angler. No fish were caught that day. The next day only one angler was left so we went fishing again. We fished at the highway wayside rest between Frontenac and Lake  City. The area was flooded. Water filled the lower parking lot. While she fished I sat and whittled away at a wood carving while perched comfortably on the sidewalk. The sun was warming my back and legs. We both noticed movement in the water of the parking lot. Carp were breaching the water next to the cement barriers that keep cars out of the river. These were big carp. The angler was sure they were Asian carp. We drove to the closest Kwik Trip to buy a can of corn. We opened the can with a pocket knife. She fished the parking lot. I said, "You realize you are fishing in a parking lot?" She did. Eventually she gave up on that method and tried scooping them out manually. She got her hands on two large carp. She could have got them but she didn't want to cause them any pain even though she knew she had to destroy them if she caught them. She said the carp were very muscular. In total we fished in four spots and caught no fish. The DNR person who was monitoring the boats coming and going at the public landing said the heavy rains made for poor fishing. We told them about the Asian carp in the parking lot and they said they would look into it. We estimated about 50 carp in that parking lot. Later that day we hiked to In-Yan-Teopa. This is a rock with a hole in it at Frontenac State Park. This natural limestone arch is perched on top of a bluff. There are burial mounds in this park that indicate people were living and dying here way back to 400 B.C. Some of the best trails for birdwatching and fishing were flooded so we were unable to go there.  Maybe next time?

Mount Terminus

Maybe because I read this book while on lunch break at work while other people were talking or maybe I wouldn't have liked it anyway if I had read it in a quiet place but I did not like Mount Terminus by David Grand. I was confused by the characters. I could not remember who was related to who. I do remember there was a lot of passion and revenge. The language was overly descriptive especially about clothes and gardens. The story was inventive and sometimes I thought it was going to go into a fantasy story. I  think this book skirted as close to fantasy without actually going there.

Frontenac

This weekend a group of us went camping at Frontenac State Park. The size of the group varied from 2 people to 5 people and one dog. We occupied cart in campsite #1. We ferried our belongs up and down hills using a cart. We weren't alone at our campsite. A yellow bellied sapsucker flew through 30 or more times a day. A couple of chipmunks visited. A chestnut sided warbler came too. A pair of Baltimore orioles sang a very cheery sound back and forth. The oriole tune was so catchy we were all singing along. We enjoyed two marvelous days and one rainy day this weekend. We explored the trails, joined a guided nature hike, went fishing, told stories, sat around the campfire, made meals and cleaned up after meals, and enjoyed the beauty of this park. While it is true that most of my camping clothes, my pillow, my sleeping bag, and my shoes are wet, I have to say it was overall a great experience. One great thing about this park that I did not know before I got there is that it has no mosquitoes. The lack of stagnant water really makes a difference.

Care For Some Garlic Mustard Red Squirrel?

I walked to my mailbox this morning and spied some garlic mustard. Darn, those invasive species are so invasive! I pulled one and threw it into the middle of the road where it would be run over and over and over. The smelly weed came out easily because of all the rain we have had. On my way back to the house I pulled out six more. I spied another patch and pulled out fifteen. I spied another spot and pulled out four. With my arms full of delicious smelling plants I tossed them into my garbage can. Later, washing my hands at the kitchen sink I spied a red squirrel crawl on top of the chicken run. The squirrel appeared to be trying to find a way inside the coop. I watched the red rodent try all the openings on the coop before it walked away and crawled on top of a fence post. Just at that moment a tree wren swooped down from the sky and hit the red squirrel on the back. The bird dive bombed the squirrel as it ran away. Oh, so that makes sense to me now. The squirrel tried to get into the bluebird house that the tree wren in subletting and take an egg or a baby. Now, if I could only talk the squirrel or the tree wren to eat all the garlic mustard I would be all set.

Good Grief!

My last grief class was about the family dynamics and how they change when one person in the family is gone. They compared the family dynamics to a mobile. When one piece of the hanging mobile is removed the entire sculpture is unbalanced. If the family member who left plays a vital role (black sheep, favored one, event planner) someone else in the family may move into that role. One member of our group had a sister who died that was the favored one. Now, due to the fact that she is the only sibling left, she if the favored one but it doesn't feel good to her because she knows she got the role by default. We were reminded that we can change our roles in our family. If we're mindful of our actions and act in thoughtful ways, we can participate in our family dynamics in a way that  is mutually beneficial and comfortable. Our group has ended for now but takes up again in the fall at a different venue. One member said she would take the class again but instead  of going to the sibling grief group she would attend the loss of a parent group. She felt she had grieving work to do with her parents who have been gone for several years. I am glad I attended this group.

Atomic Number 25

I got a letter from my city today telling me that some of the city water is unfit for human consumption because it has too much manganese. Not all the city wells have too  much manganese, only four of the six wells have too much manganese. The other two wells do not have too much manganese. Too much manganese in the water can be a neurotoxin and lead to a condition called manganism. Manganism can present itself like Parkinson's disease. I do not have city water. I have my own well. The city doesn't have an answer to the problem yet.They might mix the water from the wells and use more water from the wells that do not have too much manganese. If they do that we are warned that the water will have more iron in it. The letter mentioned buying bottled water. Do I need to worry? Based on the fact that safer water has a lot of iron and the red ring I see in my toilet tank, I have no reason to worry. I also use a water softener and a Britta water filter. I think I will put the manganese problem on the back burner. I have more pressing concerns to occupy my mind than manganese.

A Moment of Panic!

Yesterday I had an appointment at the courthouse in Saint Paul. I was to meet someone at 8:50 a.m. on the 16th floor. Traffic was terrible but I thought I could make it on time. I  made the error of mixing up the County Government Center with the Courthouse. That gave me an extra 4 blocks to walk along Kellogg Boulevard which I was able to do at a pretty good pace. I had to go through the metal detector at the courthouse. I put down my stuff in a bin. I explained I had metal hips. I got the wand passed over me and headed for the elevator. Only four  minutes late my phone started ringing as the elevator doors opened. The person calling me was right there. We met and went into  the courtroom. We weren't first on the docket but third so I got to observe the process until  my turn came. I got a text from Offspring #1 saying they were in the Seattle airport waiting for the plane to take them to their final destination. I responded. As I slipped my phone back  into my bag the darn thing  started talking. "Ebay, Google, Voice Mail, Messages, Netflix." The darn phone recited all the icons on the front of my phone. I moaned and left the courtroom. I came back  and  tried to be quiet and still. When my turn was over we left and had a discussion in a small meeting room. As we went to part ways I stayed  behind to use the women's restroom. That is where the panic set in. I lost my car keys which are attached  to all my id cards, credit cards, library cards, gift cards, insurance cards, and basically my entire existence.  GAH!!!!! I searched my body. I searched my bag. I did that three times. I went out to the lobby. I set my bag down on a wooden bench. I emptied it again. No keys. GAH! These are the same keys the pick pocket in Athens almost took from me. What am I going to do? Who can I call for help? I have my phone. Usually I loose my phone not the keys. No keys. My car is in Saint Paul and my extra key is in Ramsey. Panic set in big time. I  took a deep  breath and practiced my meditation for a minute or two. I descended the elevator. I approached the security officers and asked if they found any car keys. One kind man directed me to room 120. I go to room 120. My fingers are crossed on both hands. The woman at the desk is on the phone. When she finishes I ask if she found any car keys. My fingers are cramping they are crossed so hard. She holds up my car keys and the panic exits my body and is replaced with gratitude so quickly I get emotional whiplash. I expressed my thanks and hooked my keys to my bag and cradled them close  to my body. I told  the man at the metal detector that I have my keys and thanked him. I leave the courthouse and walk to the  seven blocks to my car. The overwhelming feeling of gratitude makes me feel like I am walking on cloud 9.

The Smell of Fresh Cut Grass

On my way home from work today I bought some fresh gasoline for my lawn mower. After bringing my things inside I attempted to start my lawnmower. I did the happy dance when the motor roared to life after the fifth pull. I set to work mowing the grass, the weeds, some buck thorn, some garlic mustard, some poison ivy, some black berry brambles and some branches. Oh, the smell of fresh cut grass. If the smell of fresh cut grass could be bottled I would certainly wear perfume again.

Wilmar

This weekend I traveled to Wilmar, Minnesota for another Master Naturalist convention. I checked into the Holiday Inn which is next door to the Wilmar convention center. Our speaker the first night was a geologist by the name of Dr. Carrie Jennings. She gave us a great talk on glaciers and land formations. I was glad I signed up for her field trip the next morning. After breakfast we took off in a bus for Sibley State Park. We hiked to the top of Mount Tom and surveyed the view. We took a hike along an esker. Esker is a Gaelic word for snake like ridge. We found this prairie smoke blooming on the side of the esker. After that our bus took us to the Ordway Prairie near Glenwood, Minnesota. This Nature Conservancy property is what the view from Mount Tom would have looked like if the state park hadn't decided to plant so many trees. The wind was blowing across the prairie at a fast clip. I would like to go back to the Ordway Prairie in better weather. After that stop we went to a gravel pit. Where the gravel had been scooped away we could see the prairie soil on top followed by gravel and sand of a glacial stream. We could even tell which way the water was flowing. Our bus took us back to Wilmar where we were 45 minutes late for lunch. After lunch I took two classes. My first class was on harmful algae blooms. We learned about green algae which is generally safe and blue green algae which can be poisonous. One way to tell if your algae is harmful or not is to gather some in a glass jar, swirl it gently, and refrigerate it overnight.  If the algae has disintegrated and fallen to the bottom of the jar, it is not harmful.  If the algae is still floating on the top of the jar there is a good chance it is harmful. Poisonous algae is an issue. There are veterinarians who advice dog owners not to let them swim in lakes just because it could be harmful. My last class of the day was on teaching children a love of the natural world. This class was taught by a man who loves the outdoors. He took his children camping and canoeing but found they did not do the same with their children.Worried his grandchildren were not getting enough nature he made plans to make sure they did. He organized outings for each grandchild. After the adventure he made posters and/or videos of the outing. His background was in advertising so he found it easy to do this for each child. After all that I was ready for a break so I went back to the hotel and took a long swim. We had dinner together. Our plan was to have dinner at a local farm. Unfortunately the wind had ruined the event by blowing over our dinner tent and those plans were cancelled. My friends and I sat together and talked until 10:30. The next day I took a class on science and art. We made paper. My paper is made from coontail plants (found in lakes) and milkweed. I sprinkled milkweed seeds on top. We had to press our paper in a big press to get the water out. My friend thought this piece of equipment would make a good torture device. The wanted to take a picture of what she called a thumbscrew. I offered to add my thumb to make the picture better. The last class of the day was on edible forests. Some cities are planting public spaces with apple trees, plum trees, hazelnut bushes, rhubarb, grape vines, asparagus. Citizens are allowed to take what they can eat. We had a nice lunch together before heading home. I think it will take me a full week to process everything I have learned. 

Chicken Tender

Today I was told that a person who owns chickens can be called a chicken tender. It is true  that I tend my chickens. This morning I went out to tend my four chickens and I only had three chickens to tend. What? Where? Who? How? I swear there were four chickens last night. How can there be only three chickens this morning?  I have a green egg to prove I had  four chickens yesterday. There are no signs on breaking and entering. Was my Americauna hen taken by the rapture? My mind is blown.

Glad!

Tonight on my way home after work I saw a group of 7 people on the side of the highway. All of them were wearing safety green vests and carrying bright yellow bags. My first thought was that this was a nice group of people. But then I felt dread for all of them. I knew what was ahead for them. For the past four days the carcass of a doe laid at the corner of my road and the highway. Each day she gets a little more bloated. Each day her long legs are spread a little wider apart because of the pressure in her abdomen. When I got to my corner I let out a sigh of relief. Someone had dealt with the deer carcass. I felt glad. Now the people who adopted the highway would not have to deal with a four legged carcass of a doe.

Angry Birds

Today I had a work meeting at a local restaurant called the Muddy Cow. I got there first and no one else from my group had arrived yet.  Inside the restaurant there was one long table with about 25 people seated wearing matching black t-shirts. Evidently a group of nurses had just graduated and were celebrating together. Their voices were very loud and some beer got sloshed so I went out to the patio. As I waited for my group to arrive I hoped they would want to sit outside. They agreed and the six of us sat on the patio together. We were dive bombed by loud and agitated barn swallows. The waiter apologized for the angry birds and he put umbrellas on our tables so we would be safe from the sun and the defecations of these swallows. One woman in our party pointed out the swallows sitting on the  head of a fake owl and I just had to take a picture. Not only did the fake owl not scare these swallows but they used it as a perch.

Sold on a Monday

I made a mistake and read the wrong book for book club.  I read next month's book instead of this month's book. I figured that out five days ago so I had to hurry and speed read through Sold on a Monday by Kristina McMorris. This book is very popular so there was no way I could get it at the library so I ended up getting an electronic copy through the cloud library. I read it easily in a couple of days and thoroughly  enjoyed it. Honestly it is sad that children get sold. Poverty and illness make people do desperate things. I thought about my own grandmother who  was given away as a child to work on a farm where she earned her board and room. In this story a girl named Ruby and her brother Calvin are sold. Ruby is a resilient girl. Most of the story is not about the children who  were sold on a Monday but about the two journalists who investigated the situation. Some people in the book club did not like the fact that so much focus was on the journalists. Some thought the ending was overly dramatic. At the end of our meeting we were handed small slips of paper. If we were journalists the first slip was our  first name, the second slip was our moniker or nickname and the third slip was our last name. My journalist name Gladys "The Newshound" Cagney.

Euphoria

When I read Lily King's novel Euphoria I had no idea the woman in the book was based on Margaret Mead, a world renown anthropologist. This was a fascinating story about a woman, her husband, and a male friend living in the jungles of New Guinea. They come there to learn about the tribes, the culture, and the people in the village. I can't imagine the bravery they had to do what they did. In order to get there they had to travel by canoe.  Once they arrived they struggled to learn the language. The amount of trust they had that everything would work out is staggering. Besides the hardships they also dealt with tropical illnesses and injuries. To top it off, the husband in the story is both physically and emotionally abusive. Yet Nell Stone, the woman based on Margaret Mead, keeps trying. She asks questions, she types up her notes, she helps out in the community. All her success enrages her husband even more. He feels inadequate. He tries to sabotage her work. I really liked the character of Nell Stone. She is someone I admire.

Embracing the Joy of Today

Today Offspring #2 took me out biking at the trail near Rice Creek in Shoreview. Here I am coming down a hill by the white pines making a face and sticking my legs out to the side for comic effect. We had a good time biking around the creek. We even saw a Baltimore Oriole perched in a tree singing in the yellow leaves and looking so lusciously orange. After that we returned to her house, put the bikes away, and walked to a Mexican restaurant near her house. I had cactus tacos and they were delicious! I feel very fortunate to be here on this day, able to bike, able to walk, and able to eat tacos.  Offspring #1 called while we were eating and I talked to him standing outside on the sidewalk. A great day like this doesn't happen all that often so I want to embrace the joy I felt today.

Migratory Bird Day

I was talking with a friend of mine about the birding by train event. Somehow we impulsively decided to go to Sherburne National Wildlife Refuge for a guided bird tour on Migratory Bird Day. We arrived before 8 a.m. and had a great guide. All the people on the tour seemed agreeable and friendly. We saw a total of 37 species of birds. I can't remember them all but besides these two eagles perched on top of these two tamarack trees we saw Eastern Towhee, American Robins, Chipping sparrow, Blue birds, yellow warbler, yellow bellied sap sucker, hairy woodpecker, downy woodpecker, brown thrasher, black and white warbler, ruby crowned kinglets, Northern Flicker, broad winged hawks, turkey vultures, green heron, great blue heron, palm warbler, Nashville warbler, Crows, Blue jays, white breasted nuthatches, sand hill cranes, loons, Baltimore Oriole, rose breasted gross beaks, and goldfinches. We heard chorus frogs and a sora rail. We saw coyote scat. All this was on the Mahnomen Trail which runs near Rice Lake. So if you go on Mahnomen Trail, please keep an eye out for  my red eye glasses - I lost them somewhere on that trail. 

A Canticle for Leibowitz

My book club has been in existence for almost 40 years. The anniversary of the first meeting will be in this fall.  I found out that the first book they read was A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller, Jr. I decided I should read it too. At the library they had the story on audio CD's so I got that. What I didn't realize was this was a radio play. I put the CD in and heard these strange sound effects. I look around at the cars next to me wondering if they were making the noises. I looked at  the dashboard of  my  own car and nothing was amiss. Then I thought it  was my phone making noises. I turned the CD player of my car off for a minute and then put two and two together. I forgot how much I like radio plays. This one was very good. This is a science fiction story about nuclear bombs, the end of the world, the separation of church and state, and also a guy named Leibowitz. I enjoyed the story and I enjoyed  the music and I enjoyed the sound effects.

You Can't Pour Water From An Empty Cup

Last night my grief group met again and the topic this week was self-care. The speaker was very engaging.  Her advice was all things I have heard before.  Eat  right. Drink water. Exercise. Sleep. Get rest. Relax. Try to have fun. Spend time in nature. Avoid harsh environments (which is why I don't watch the news on television). Be kind to yourself. Accept your feelings. Seek support. Manage stress. I have heard all that before yet it was a good reminder because the consequences of not taking care of yourself can be expensive. She talked about people ending up in the hospital with stress related illnesses. One piece of advice that I hadn't heard  before is to embrace joy without guilt. Sometimes laughing feels wrong when we think  we should be sad. But if the chance to feel joy comes around, grab that feeling and hold on to it tight because it feels good  and won't last forever. As much as I get out of listening to the speaker, the hour spent in a small group is my favorite. The four of us who have lost siblings are able to speak freely and honestly about some very difficult and painful things. I walk out of this group feeling comforted knowing I am doing what I can to take care of myself.

Spinach Cake

Twenty five  years ago I got a recipe for Greek spinach pie from a friend of mine.  Over the years I have changed the recipe and improved the taste and the nutrition.  Instead of a pie crust in a pie pan, I use a wild rice crust in a cake pan. Here is my recipe for spinach cake:
Ingredients for the crust: 1 cup wild rice, 1 egg, 1/4 cup grated parmesean cheese
Method for the crust: Prepare the wild rice with two cups of water. Mix the cooked rice with the egg and the cheese and spread it in a 9x13 cake pan.
Ingredients for the cake: 2 bunches fresh spinach, 1 red onion diced, 4 cloved of fresh garlic diced, 3 ribs  celery diced, 1 package baby bella mushrooms chopped, 3 eggs, 1 cup grated colby cheese, 6 ounces feta cheese crumbled into pieces, 1 tablespoon whole fennel seed, 1 tablespoon basil, 1 tablespoon parsley, 1 tsp salt, 1 tsp black pepper
Method for the cake: tear the stems off of the spinach. Rinse the spinach in the sink three  times. Microwave the spinach for 5 minutes with a tablespoon of water. When the spinach cools, squeeze the moisture out with your hands. (Offspring #2 used to call this  recipe washrag pie). Using a kitchen shears, cut the spinach into pieces. Saute the onions, celery, mushrooms, and garlic in a frying pan. Mix the sauted vegies with the spinach, the eggs, the cheeses, and the spices. Mix well and spread it over the wild rice crust. Bake in the oven at 350 for an hour. Enjoy!

Birding By Train

Today we took a birding trip on a train through the Tiffany Bottoms near the Chippewa River near Durand, Wisconsin which is pretty much east of Winona. The train runs on a narrow gauge track through the swamps and flood plains. We sat on open cars and luckily the weather was beautiful. Our train left at 7:30 and we got back to our cars about noon.

We stopped several times to get off the train and explore. We saw hooded mergansers, yellow rumped warblers, Mallards, Trumpeter swans, Eastern Towhee, song sparrows, field sparrows, white throated sparrows, tree swallows, rough winged swallows, Ruby crowned kinglets, spotted sandpipers, northern water thrush, pileated woodpeckers, broad winged hawks, bald eagles, turkey vultures, rubins, blue jays, black capped chickadees and a kingfisher. I heard an oven bird but did not see it.

One of the train cars had a porta potty on it. At the end of the line they served grilled brats, chips, apples, cookies and water. I started out the day wearing snow pants and quite a few layers. By the time we got off the train I had taken most of my layers off. I had an extremely relaxing morning sitting on the train, dangling my feet over the edge, looking for birds with my binoculars and just relaxing. We saw lots of wild flowers along the tracks in pretty shades of white and pink and purple and yellow. The trees have not leafed out yet so we can see pretty far into the swamp and up to the nearby bluffs. This driftless area of Wisconsin is especially beautiful. I had such a good time today getting away from the everyday hassles of life and work and home that I decided I would definitely do this again. These trains fill up so if you want to go you need to sign up well in advance.  

Amazeballs

Yesterday I had a busy day. I worked. I swam. I visited. I went to a park with my grand girls. There is a special dog named Mo who lives right up the hill from this park so I called and asked to borrow Mo. I got Mo. My daughter-in-law had to run to the car so at one point of the lovely afternoon I was multi-tasking like a pro. I stood in front of two girls on swings pushing them higher and higher while also stepping on Mo's leash so he would not wander off. I was so impressed with my talents I said, "Grandma is amazeballs." Well, of course that statement got repeated and I over reacted, as I tend to do. When my daughter-in-law walked back to the swings she heard her daughter say, "Grandma is amazeballs." She looked at me with raised eye brows. What could I say? There is no denying it. I am amazeballs.

The Possibilities

Years ago I watched a movie named The Decendents with George Clooney. The movie was set in Hawaii and George was the father of three kids whose wife was in a coma. Kaui Hart wrote that novel and this novel, The Possibilities. In this story the main character is Sarah who is grieving the loss of her young adult son. She lives in Breckenridge, Colorado with her father. The relationship between Sarah and her father is very amusing. Sarah's friendship with Suzanne is not as amusing but still tender.  All the characters in the book are well meaning and quirky. This novel about grief somehow manages to be funny and entertaining.

Ten Years!

Last night I got a letter in the mail from the Minnesota Pollution Control Agency thanking me for monitoring streams for ten years.  Ten Years? Wow, I didn't think I was doing this for ten years. When I first started monitoring I would get presents in the mail like a hat or a mug or a binder. Now the letter  states that the volunteers said  they don't need  physical gifts like that so we just get a letter.  That is fine with me. There is an appreciation gathering and I have attended a couple of those in the past.  I  might go again this year if it's convenient for me. I think the MPCA does a good job appreciating the volunteer efforts compared to some other agencies I have dealt  with. I think it's nice to have a reason to view a stream every week.  Spilling water on my shoes isn't so fun.

Dual Process Model

Last night I went to another grief group.  Years ago I  learned the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). I thought I was supposed to go through these five stages like stairs on a staircase. Once I got to the third step of bargaining I thought I could not be angry anymore. But that isn't how grief worked for me. I felt all five of those things but not in order and not just once.  Now there is a new model of grief that allows for oscillation. Sometimes my grief is loss oriented. Intrusive memories jump into my head sometimes when they are not welcome. Sometimes I still recount all the things I have lost. On the other hand, I also have restoration oriented grief. I pay attention to  how lucky I am to  be here on this planet, to  see the signs of spring, to enjoy the rain on my face  or the sun on my back. Good moments are followed by hard moments followed by good moments. Instead of five stages of grief I go through a grief polka dance never knowing what is going to happen next. This dual process explanation seems more realistic because grief isn't the same from one person to the next. The other part of the lesson last night was about reasonable hope. Unlike the classic idea of hope (like rainbows and butterflies and Pollyanna), reasonable hope is the feeling that even though I am grieving and trying to make sense of what has happened, the future is open, uncertain, yet manageable.  We were warned to watch for triggers. Anniversaries are triggers for some people. The speaker lost his grandson on the 28th of a month. Every month he suffers on the 28th day. Even though he knows he will suffer on the 28th, he is able to celebrate and enjoy some of that day. It might be unreasonable to hope not to suffer on the 28th of the month but it is reasonable for him to hope not to suffer all day long. Sometimes people die but life goes on.  Many people in this grief class have attended these sessions twice a year many, many times. They hear the same speaker yet claim they get something different out of the talk because they are in a different spot in their lives. I guess I can see how that could work.  I am not sure I want to go more than once though. We are told it is good to open up and share our stories. One disadvantage to that is the response of others to hearing your pain. Sometimes they respond by dumping out their pain on you which can be overwhelming when you are already stressed out. We were told that when that happens it is fine to say, "I have to stop you there. I appreciate your sharing but I am unable to hear that today. I look forward to hearing your story another time." I would never have thought up that response on my own so that right there made my time well spent. Some times I think I don't want to go to this group.  I have other things to do. I like to start slowing down at 8 p.m.; not sitting in a room talking about sadness and death. But when I leave the group at 9 p.m. and head home, I have been glad I went. I guess I will go a few more times.