Dual Process Model

Last night I went to another grief group.  Years ago I  learned the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). I thought I was supposed to go through these five stages like stairs on a staircase. Once I got to the third step of bargaining I thought I could not be angry anymore. But that isn't how grief worked for me. I felt all five of those things but not in order and not just once.  Now there is a new model of grief that allows for oscillation. Sometimes my grief is loss oriented. Intrusive memories jump into my head sometimes when they are not welcome. Sometimes I still recount all the things I have lost. On the other hand, I also have restoration oriented grief. I pay attention to  how lucky I am to  be here on this planet, to  see the signs of spring, to enjoy the rain on my face  or the sun on my back. Good moments are followed by hard moments followed by good moments. Instead of five stages of grief I go through a grief polka dance never knowing what is going to happen next. This dual process explanation seems more realistic because grief isn't the same from one person to the next. The other part of the lesson last night was about reasonable hope. Unlike the classic idea of hope (like rainbows and butterflies and Pollyanna), reasonable hope is the feeling that even though I am grieving and trying to make sense of what has happened, the future is open, uncertain, yet manageable.  We were warned to watch for triggers. Anniversaries are triggers for some people. The speaker lost his grandson on the 28th of a month. Every month he suffers on the 28th day. Even though he knows he will suffer on the 28th, he is able to celebrate and enjoy some of that day. It might be unreasonable to hope not to suffer on the 28th of the month but it is reasonable for him to hope not to suffer all day long. Sometimes people die but life goes on.  Many people in this grief class have attended these sessions twice a year many, many times. They hear the same speaker yet claim they get something different out of the talk because they are in a different spot in their lives. I guess I can see how that could work.  I am not sure I want to go more than once though. We are told it is good to open up and share our stories. One disadvantage to that is the response of others to hearing your pain. Sometimes they respond by dumping out their pain on you which can be overwhelming when you are already stressed out. We were told that when that happens it is fine to say, "I have to stop you there. I appreciate your sharing but I am unable to hear that today. I look forward to hearing your story another time." I would never have thought up that response on my own so that right there made my time well spent. Some times I think I don't want to go to this group.  I have other things to do. I like to start slowing down at 8 p.m.; not sitting in a room talking about sadness and death. But when I leave the group at 9 p.m. and head home, I have been glad I went. I guess I will go a few more times.