I Can Explain

I can explain why my mower is out there in the yard. I'm not bringing it in. Yes, I know it  is going to rain. And I love this Honda law mower as much as any lawn boy I bought at Sears. And the yard is only 80% mown but I. am. not. going. to. bring. it. in. tonight.  Maybe not in the morning or maybe so. That mower can stay outside all night even though I have never treated any mower so shabbily. I can explain why I was seen on my deck with my shirt off, my farmer bibs half off with a bag of unsweetened shredded coconut stuffed into my black bra while yelling. I can explain why I have three swollen lumps now; two on my right arm and one under my right armpit. 

I can even explain why I am not turning off the light in the bathroom, not using that bathroom, not using the bathroom mirror even though I am curious what those 3 lumps look like. I can also explain why I wore a knee high sock on my right arm while I enjoyed my zucchini lasagna for supper with a bag of frozen pine nuts and another bag of sweetened coconut inside the sock to soothe my new red and warm lumps. The coconut and pine nuts helped a lot so I put them back in the freezer otherwise it would be hard to blog this explanation of why I act the way I do.

This tiny innocent ground dwelling pollinator is why I acted so crazy. Well, to be honest this one and possibly his 49 best buddies also on sentry duty. I focus on this one because he is one of the two sentries who followed my into my home like an undercover spy using my shirt for disguise. Look at this pollinator who is so passionate about his job he uses what is possibly his last moments of life guarding the deck door of the enemy. His best buddy is in the bathroom inside the light fixture. You can't see him in the second photo but I know he is in there because I hear his buzzing. This other sentry isn't as good of a spy as this one in this photo.  You might think Orange Sue is not the sharpest hoe in the shed (thats what she said) but I have learned from my three experiences of attacks by pollinators upon my person. The first time at age 8 I ran as soon as I figured out I was at war but not as quickly and I made the mistake of carrying the apple crate holding the hive with me. I was only stung once on the top of my right hand but those hive dwelling bees are not as good at sentry duty as the ground dwelling bees. The second time also involved a mower and also involved ground dwelling bees. I was stung four times.  The PTSD fallout from that experience that scared both offspring is the reason why my eyes examine every hole in the turf closely. I see it is raining now and I am tempted to protect my mower but no, I won't. After the second attack I called my insurance nurse line for advice. I expected a homespun tidbit like use urine or manure or vinegar on it. She told me to go to the emergency room.  Like a dummy I followed directions.  I only had to wait an hour but when I got to the doc he said that was dumb advice and charged me for coming to see him. Excuse me. Nature calls. I will be back after using the downstairs bathroom. I'm back. Probably a good idea to flush that one every six month or so anyway. On this most recent attack I handled it with the finesse of a professional pollinator combatant. I squelched my ironic feelings of admiration of a pollinator in my yard in which I have worked hard to make it pollinator friendly. I let go of the lawn mower immediately. This lawn mower is much easier to start than the lawn boy so that helped me act smarter. I ran inside immediately instead of waiting to see if a swarm was coming after me. I pulled off my shirt as soon as I felt the first bite. I made a good choice there but unfortunately I was already inside the house so at least two sentries invaded the premises. I sit here typing and exuding innocence because I do not know if I am being watched. I did not call any nurses. I did not try any remedies other than benadryl and ice. Well, not ice specifically because ice is so uncomfortable but I used foods from the nut family that were cold similar to ice. The pollinators only got three successful hits instead of four so that means I am 25% better than last time. 25% is just a number but it is a huge increase. This brings my total lifetime war statistics to 8. I do not count a couple other single bites because they didn't feel like a battle and did not involve any armies. Those were more like terrorist attacks which although scary, are not as bad as a full on war. If only I were enlisted I could probably wear a purple heart with pride. I would even consider combat wounded plates but I like the moose more. If I made any grammatical errors in this story blame the benadryl. It's good stuff. If I miss your phone call please drive over immediately to check on my welfare.