Not What I Expected Today

Today I visited my orthopedic surgeon so he could look at my bruised shin.  I thought he'd look at it, poke around a little bit, tell me to keep doing what I've been doing and send me on my way.  Twenty dollar co-pay, 30 minutes, and I'm out of there.  That is not what happened.  To tell the truth, I'm a little traumatized and writing about it helps me feel better.  WARNING:  EXTREME GROSSNESS AHEAD.  Do not keep reading if you don't want to be disgusted.  Find another website to look at - maybe LOL cats or rainbows or unicorns.  Look at the you tube video about goats that yell like humans.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  Here is what happened. So the doc takes the gauze dressing off the wound.  Then he grabs some more gauze and with his bare hands and gauze he touches my wound. He lifts the black scab off the top with the gauze.  I was surprised by this because this scab is as large as a 50 cent piece but it didn't really hurt.  He takes two new pieces of gauze pads and squeezes my shin lump like it was a gigantic blackhead.  "What the HELL is that?"  I shout loudly.  I thought it was a Guinea worm.  You know Guinea worms?  They have them in Africa.  People drink water that contains eggs. The eggs hatch and move through the body and grow into worms.  When mature the worm comes out through the skin.  They can be as long as 12 inches.  The treatment is to wrap the protruding end of the worm around a pencil and turn the pencil a little more every day until the entire worm is out.  If you pull the worm too hard and it breaks off you are in trouble. I know this because Jimmy Carter had something to do with eradicating them.  Guinea worms are disgusting and that is what I thought I was seeing as the doc squeezed my leg and pushed out a foot long dark purple ribbon of jelly like matter that rises up and folds over it self on my leg.  It's either a Guinea worm or a giant leech.  He tells me it's my old blood.  He throws those gauze pads away and gets two more.  A quarter cup of leech like material comes squirting out. "That is disgusting!" I am yelling.  I cannot believe what I am seeing.  "This is freaking awesome!"  I yell again.  I am a little agitated. I am talking loud and too much - something that happens to me under stress.  I can see the doc and the attendant (typing on the computer) are smiling because I'm talking too loud.  The doc gets two more gauze pads and says, "Watch this."  Out comes more globs of blood jello.  The jello bubbles up in thick and thin streams according to how much pressure he uses.  It's like a blackhead times 1000.  "Oh, my god,"  I yell, "What has been seen cannot be unseen!"  The doc gets more gauze and does it again.  "Oh my god, this is so disgusting,"  I yell and then add, "Let me see."  I am surprised that this doesn't hurt.  Well, it didn't feel good but it didn't hurt either.  Looking at it a person would think it would hurt like hell but it doesn't.  The doc gets more gauze and squeezes some more before asking, "Does this hurt?"  It's a little late to be asking but I tell him it doesn't really hurt.  Using more gauze he continues squeezing until no more blood jelly comes out.  My lump, which was looking like a large man's knee now looks different.  Now it looks like a thick 5 inch pancake with a big and deep hole in the middle. I estimate he squeezed out a half of a cup of blood.  The hole is scary deep.  I ask, "What am I seeing here?  Is this my muscle?"  The doc explains that that is the subcutaneous fat that I see. Ewwww.  I saw my own fat.  He tells me we are going to change the treatment now.  Two or three times a day I am to apply a wet to dry dressing.  I pack the would with a gauze soaked in sterile saline.  I put dry gauze tightly over the top of that.  He makes a referral to a wound clinic.  He wants to see me again in three weeks. He hints that surgery may be needed in the future but he hopes it won't come to that.  As I walk out of the clinic and head to the drug store to buy more wound supplies I am a little shaky from this experience.  And my leg feels different.  I can feel nerves in my shin again.  For more than six weeks all I could feel was a numb giant lump; now I feel sensations.  The sensations aren't especially painful but it's different to feel something other than swollen for a change. I did not expect this to happen today. I am so glad I made this appointment for the end of the day instead of the beginning because I need some rest and quiet now.  If you are still reading this, congratulations.  You are officially not a wuss. No doubt you need to clean your mind. Go to google and search images of something that makes you feel better.